I hate loving you

I don’t like you….or maybe I hate you…I haven’t made up my mind yet. How can I decide if you don’t let me know you…Allow me to contain you…permit me to predict you…make me feel you…licence me to love you…

I only want to be your daily station; at least stop here once a day to rest and maybe I can kiss you so I am able to go on through the day…..let me hold you so I can feel safe for the rest of the day..

What do I need to do if I always miss you, at work I miss you, at home I miss you, when we are together I miss you…Maybe I hate you because I always miss you….why you always have to be somewhere else, why you always have to look in all directions other than mine..Are you purposely avoiding my eyes? Are you intentionally making me redundant? Do you feel it when you look into me? Or is it the fact that you even look better in my eyes? You know that, dont you? You like that, dont you?

I searched for the truth in all your past, in what you told me about about the past, I looked for an answer in every corner of your present, the part of your present that you only shared with me…I couldn’t find a clue…do you love me? I need to know…I will hate you if I dont ….do you love me? I want to know…I don’t …..I dont know if I love hating you or I hate loving every bit of you…..

I try to contain you and you try not to pour yourself in me…I adore you and you try to be as distant as you can be…I follow you…and you try to mislead no one but me….I long for you and you have every man’s address but me…I hate you and you are the only person I can see. When I ignore you: you come running to me…I avoid you and only then you think of reaching for me…

I can’t smell you, but all my memories are soaked in your perfume, I can’t see you, but only your photos are all over me….I can’t touch you…but my senses are not working unless you’re here.

Am I in love with you or loving you is anything but real?


They never taught him how to respond to change, they never even tried to put him in a change simulator or give him any lecture about change. They haven’t got the chance to reconsider the system, after all, they are expert in dealing with change, not because of anything, other than the fact they are “the change”. Actually the change starts at their door steps, in their living rooms, within themselves, and among their acquaintances. 

They never considered any psychological impacts or post change training. Why would they? They have “foreseen” change, it’s not their fault, no one else did try and hence they have taken the initiative, almost every time and with time, they felt they own it. They keep telling themselves, someone has to start and as such they appoint themselves the ambassadors of change.

Sometimes they fight among them; shall we change the cover? maybe a couple of lines on page 48, or maybe we adjust alignment of few lines on page 67..sometimes a long time passes, them and us, by, before they need to change something..here is page 90, we should do something -it has been a while since we changed anything. What would they say? We have been idle or standing still…no way, we’ve got to change something. Then they sleep for a long while..enjoying all the seeds of change they planted.

One day, everyone wakes up and they find a big change has been building momentum and its so powerful, and for a change, its coming from within; through their employees and subordinates, At first they were assured its just a temporarily phenomena and then they had to make phone calls and make sure where this change is coming from. We install change and we decide on change, who on earth has been powered with an equivalent power? 

Suddenly they find whole pages were torn apart, falling on the floors of their yards, chapters have been ripped off, and chapters have been added.
Few months later, they found out that change has taken them by a complete surprise, and that they are experiencing change for the first time ever, they panicked, couldn’t react, and fear started slipping in…worry is accumulating, and tension began to eat their nerves up..how come we never experienced change- they tell one another? Then someone pops up, someone of them, and say, reluctantly, we have been the change for ages, now its their turn, they are not the normal change, we are going through a structural change that we have never been accustomed to..and here I warn you…change, this time, is going to tear us up and take us, all the way to the bottom. This is what we always feared, and this is what we are getting now. 

Few days later, you couldn’t hear their conversation any longer, they were sinking all the way to the bottom, suffocating with inked pages and old and familiar written lines, they have gone… now they’re covered with thousands of new pages with a whole brand new fonts…new voices and whole new vocabularies…

And while they were having their own last glimpse of life…A voice comes from afar, and they get the message of light..and because its dark and they can hardly breath..they could only understand some of the lit letters … ” structural change”.. “long-due”, “all of a sudden”, “powerful”, and by recognizing the last 2 words of “upside down”..lights go completely off…and its so quite…too quite…and dark.

Recycled Memories

“To be in the right set of memories or within the right pattern of thoughts, is- sometimes- like trying hard to conquer a world full of monsters, alone, a world that even if you conquered it won’t leave you sane. It won’t. whenever you are about to be able. It starts all over again.” 

Not being able to use the double-you before the e- he said to me-or not to belong to the you before the s, is like a free fall to a very be-low land, that no one ever, to, has arrived. Down there-he claims- his breath is no longer what keeps him alive, what it does-according to the story of his- is a brand new trick of the mind; Recycling of memories. Although it started out of a heart being ill, it is what he does now, and he does it well. He continues: “I sometimes cannot leave my bed in the morning- no I am not physically crippled- it feels as if my body weight has tripled, or may be as if my mind is cuffed to my pillow, to where it used to rest next to her presence. Every morning I need to unlock a puzzle of possibilities, of various outcomes, to bring an emotional giant to sleep, so I am able, out of bed, to walk. I need to learn how to talk, every morning, again. 

Recycling memories started in a factory I’ve recently built in my mind, I’ve had to do that, so every morning my senses can come back to me, and only then, I am able to function. As the day grows old, I, sometimes, lose my senses again, in my silence that comes passing by like an electrical fast train. It’s all starting again.

What I do to avoid the questions pumped by my heart, through my veins, and into my mind, surpasses the amount of energy needed to provide love to the whole world all at once. When my heart thinks “us” I find my mind, voluntarily, turning its new factory on. I close my eyes, go back in time, pick a few memories of us and rearrange them, yes I do. I just choose to live them again, exactly how I wanted them to be-vanilla plain.

At times this makes me lighter, even for a few seconds, and brighter. It has to be for a few seconds, because at the very beginning, when I was learning my new trick, I used to feel lighter for a day or so, it was not that-that was because some pieces of me have disappeared, left in search of her. Now I know, I admit my mistakes, let’s restructure it again, let’s rename the pain, or may be let’s do it all over again. 

I am no longer a friend with my tear,  not because of an invisible strength has come to appear, its because I am no longer crying the fact that I miss her, I am no longer able to miss her..because I know this time is real.…my silence is twisted,  unstable, and volume-less..my sanity comes and goes like the foam in the upper quarter of a glass of beer. Oh dear, it’s happening all again.
I look for her everywhere, in our past, in my present, here and there.  In a hopeful promise, between the clouds, in feeling the warmth of early morning’s golden rays, I look for her in some bills of my past, in my little notes, in my own veins…those which decided to last, not for me to live, but for her presence to stay in me…our past..I keep looking for her again and again.

I keep clinging onto “us”, deceivingly, it feels like a plus. Walking away, from her,  was more painful than peeling my own skin off, and hurtful as much. Awkwardness; is the sensation of any other potential touch. I miss her so much, and my only hope, one day, she comes back, to me, again.” 
I didn’t know what to say to him, at first, then I searched back in my own memories, I tried to recycle some-and found my mouth producing some few words: You should start planting positive thoughts in so many pots across the garden of your mind, throw seeds of hope and acceptance everywhere you go. Do you mind?
“I don’t know” he trembles, I continue: 
In your thoughts, pray for her and pray for you-you should really do. In every low point in my life, or when I am knocked down with a sort of loss; I keep reminding myself over and over again, with a quote of some sort-I read once while I was in pain- one’s loss could be a brand new gain.

Design your own Life

The best thing in a one night stand is that it is a 12-hour stand at best, while the best thing in a relationship is when you voluntarily develop the will to have a long term stand with someone . The worst thing in a one night stand is when you feel you want more than just that physical attraction. The worst thing could happen to any relationship is when you no longer care about where, this, is heading to, which could be looked at,  as a series of one night stands but with the same person. 

What I am trying to say: its YOU who might decide to take a one night stand experience and turn it into a beautiful relationship, or you may choose to turn a beautiful relationship into a series of one night stands. 

It doesn’t matter where we start from, it doesn’t matter what the end will be, its the journey that counts, living the bets we make, the choices, the decisions, this is what living is all about. Its never about where you come from, or where you are heading to, its about what you do in the middle, its about which road you decide to take, and what you decide on doing while you are walking that road. 

Many out there are destination-focused. A question for those: has everyone who made it, deserved it? The answer, realistically, has to be a big NO. This can even translate into: if your destination is success, fame, or wealth among many others; not all who got there has earned it. Not every true talent has turned into millions of dollars, and not every president deserved his seat! On the contrary, the longer we live, the more “unearned cases” continue to appear. We live in a world where those who got power, money, or a certain connection has made it but not necessarily earned it. Even Facebook has recently introduced the Promote function for individuals’ statuses and posts. This means even if your point of view is real and different, the system would swallow it down all other posts unless you pay for it to stay on top.…I totally understand the initiative for an SME’s page status or business promoted posts, but personal opinions and personal contents? I don’t fathom that!

The second point, in my effort to support the importance of the journey over the destination, is that any destination is relatively measured; and has no proper benchmark so you can officially and publicly rank yourself among your fellow peers. You can be called Rich with 50k in your bank account relative to millions of human beings and someone with islands and private jets among his personal assets is considered rich too. You will always find someone who is richer than you are; smarter than you are; wiser than you are, and more equipped in general. You will never reach a destination where you have it all. Have you seriously thought you can catch the rainbow one day?

Therefore, its the how I got there-no matter where there is- what actually counts and what actually largely contribute to who you ever become. Its the journey, more often than not, that we forget to live. Its by our nature that we take the most important people and sometimes the most precious moments in our lives for granted..we fail to embrace the little tiny moment, which in a moment, is going to be a memory! 

As a result; the poor, the fat, and may be the less-privileged kid who managed to improve, work on, and educate himself  with a comprehensive guide of business and life ethics in his pocket has a superior  journey to someone who was born to a wealthy family and with time he failed to learn the value of money and although he is somehow successful still, his journey was little of him in it, little about his choices, little about his own challenges, and little about connecting and feeling with the majority others. If you start with a million dollar and ended up with 100 million dollars I would admire that. But if you start with nothing, and end up with half a million in your bank account, that is something I respect and I salute even!

 If each one of us starts from a point made by him, not for him,  and only exited for his own start, if everyone has his own destination and no 2 destinations are alike, then why most of us end up comparing themselves to others based on where they come from and, at best, judging them based on where- they think- they are heading to? In a nut shell and as I usually look at it: have they made so many things out of nothing? or have they made almost nothing out of so many things?

 Now, if we understand or agree on the concept of the journey of each one of us, rather than our beginning or the final destination, we actually can understand more and may be, differently this time, can relate more to the concept of equality; We are all equal. It doesn’t matter if you belong to a certain family, a social status, or even stuck with a horrible past. What actually matters, is what you make out of what you’ve started with.  I always find this mere thought liberating and its at the heart of the concept “living”. 

The concept of one’s journey does mater the most, simply because it makes us appreciate the most positive values in life as it focuses on what I made for myself. It makes us all fairly benchmarked to each other no matter where we came from. Even without an actual tangible achievement, you still can be successful and your journey would be honorable and worth living, much more than those who were tagged along someone else’s achievement. 
                Let’s presume someone has lived his life trying to achieve something he has passion for and strongly believe in, despite the fact, he never actually managed to go there all the way to the end with a solid achievement, in his hands,  as he always dreamt of. At least his journey was all about his dreams, with lots of trials towards an achievement. It reflects his individuality and would be looked at as a journey of a builder or one of a fighter. 

Now, if each one of us has his own journey to live, and they are all measured by the added value they brought to one’s life, we, then, can basically derive the added-value by subtracting the beginning value of your assets/life at the starting point of your journey from the end value- or the sought after destination. The bigger the positive difference, the higher the value of your journey and the better choices you have taken. All else is equal.

 By adapting such a logic, you no longer easily feel jealous of others, you no longer easily judge a fellow human being and you start to understand that whatever you have got and you never earned doesn’t count..its already deducted and is not part of your own creation. Stretch this thought further and you will easily see that your family, your name, your religion, and anything you were born with is not really the best deal you have got. It was simply forced upon you. How do you feel when you hear someone saying that his/her name is the best name in the world? You would laugh, unless you feel the same, then I rest my case!  Like your name, like all other adjectives you were born with. 

We are all very similar yet we are very different. We think that what happens to us doesn’t happen to others, but we are mistaken. To think that a successful businessman has it all, then you are presuming that he is a successful husband/partner or he is a great father or brother…which is not true. No one can be the best on all life’s fronts. One positive shiny front should not out shadow many others and the opposite is true. By the same token,  just because someone in your building or workplace works as a Janitor, it doesn’t mean you are luckier than him or better off or your journey is worth living more than him. He might be happier, more satisfied, and a braver fighter than you are. 

 If I managed to highlight the importance of one’s journey over other common success-related benchmarks, I am obliged to highlight the fact that you can’t judge a journey in the middle or based on a random slice of along trip. You have to look at it as a whole, and to do so- quoting Steve Jobs- “connecting the dots, only, by looking backward”. Don’t look down at journeys that are in their lows, forgetting that you are living a temporarily high. One of the best equations I ever come across and learned about was during an emotional intelligence course:  [U + Others+ Circumstances = Your performance] and since we all know neither “Others” nor “circumstances” can be all-time-perfect and in our favor; our performance during our own journey should not be always perfect and upward, rather it should fluctuate. The most important thing is for the over all journey to add value to yourself and others.                  

Enjoy sculpting your own journey, but beware, you only get one journey in life and therefore you better commit to it and make it worth living. In other words “You were born original, try not to die a copy”. 

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